my weekend thing...
It's Friday night. Tomorrow's Saturday. Day after's Sunday.
Truth is, I've come to dread weekends.
Oh, I enjoy having some time when I don't have to work (or at least, when I don't feel guilty because I'm not working). I enjoy being able to spend time with my parents. I LOVE my Sunday naps.
It's just church. I can't believe I'm saying this again, but I've started to dread going to church.
See, the thing is, the church should be the one place where I can be myself. Church should be our shelter from the world. It should be the one place where we can go without being afraid of judgement or condemnation. It should be the place where we can be naked, metaphorically speaking - where we can take off all of the faces we put on for the world, and allow our brothers and sisters to see us, with all of the sin and dirt and crud that covers us, and without the fear of judgement.
It should be. But I have not yet found a church that welcomes me like that. I was rejected from two youth groups in high school. In college, I tried to become a part of four different churches, and was dehumanized and demoralized until I was forced to leave each church in shame. After college, I attempted to join another church but again was forced to leave in shame. I moved all the way to a Africa - AFRICA, for heaven's sake - and was again shamed until I left.
Now I'm going back to the church I grew up in - but again, I find myself being expected to prove myself. Church should be the only place where I do NOT have to prove myself! My church should be my shelter from the storm. Yet here I am, every week, forcing myself to go to church and asking myself why I'm there.
I find myself praying for forgiveness, because I have not yet found the courage to seek a new or different congregation. Too many times, I have found a different congregation, and just as I became certain that it was where God wanted me to be, I was in some way rejected or demoralized, and forced to begin the whole search again.
Writing this brings tears to my eyes, yet I know that on Sunday I will go back to my comfort zone. God forgive me, but I'm tired. I'm just tired. The storm I live in every day makes me weary. Sometimes all I want is some rest from this weary world. I was not made for this, Lord.
Truth is, I've come to dread weekends.
Oh, I enjoy having some time when I don't have to work (or at least, when I don't feel guilty because I'm not working). I enjoy being able to spend time with my parents. I LOVE my Sunday naps.
It's just church. I can't believe I'm saying this again, but I've started to dread going to church.
See, the thing is, the church should be the one place where I can be myself. Church should be our shelter from the world. It should be the one place where we can go without being afraid of judgement or condemnation. It should be the place where we can be naked, metaphorically speaking - where we can take off all of the faces we put on for the world, and allow our brothers and sisters to see us, with all of the sin and dirt and crud that covers us, and without the fear of judgement.
It should be. But I have not yet found a church that welcomes me like that. I was rejected from two youth groups in high school. In college, I tried to become a part of four different churches, and was dehumanized and demoralized until I was forced to leave each church in shame. After college, I attempted to join another church but again was forced to leave in shame. I moved all the way to a Africa - AFRICA, for heaven's sake - and was again shamed until I left.
Now I'm going back to the church I grew up in - but again, I find myself being expected to prove myself. Church should be the only place where I do NOT have to prove myself! My church should be my shelter from the storm. Yet here I am, every week, forcing myself to go to church and asking myself why I'm there.
I find myself praying for forgiveness, because I have not yet found the courage to seek a new or different congregation. Too many times, I have found a different congregation, and just as I became certain that it was where God wanted me to be, I was in some way rejected or demoralized, and forced to begin the whole search again.
Writing this brings tears to my eyes, yet I know that on Sunday I will go back to my comfort zone. God forgive me, but I'm tired. I'm just tired. The storm I live in every day makes me weary. Sometimes all I want is some rest from this weary world. I was not made for this, Lord.
posted by Tidy Bowl at
10:49 PM
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