mildly melancholy

I've had two snow days, which has been nice. I'm completely caught up and spending lots of time at home relaxing, which is nice. I've finished some of my Christmas shopping, which is nice. And I will probably do the rest of my Christmas shopping today, which will be nice.

But I had a realization, which shocked me and depressed me all at the same time. I ordered Steve's gift online, and probably spent more than I should have on it. But I realized this...

This gift is more than a Christmas gift. This gift is a good-bye gift, a going away gift. This is the last gift I will give him before I embark on my life without him.

I'm graduating in one week. I look forward to it and I dread it all at the same time. I look forward to it because, well, it's graduation. I dread it because after graduation, I will have to be honest with steve. I have to tell him that he can't have his cake and eat it too.

It makes me so sad to think of that, because I am so afraid of what he will say, and so frighteningly sure that he will not be interested in me. And it makes me so sad to imagine my life without his precious friendship. I have to remind myself that God is faithful, and that He will bring something better into my life. Sometimes it's hard being human.