bittersweet memories, bittersweet future

I should be working. I should be finishing my portfolio and writing lesson plans and otherwise being productive. But haven't you ever felt like you just had to blog?

Thanksgiving was pretty awesome. I guess I should write about that a little bit. My sister came to town from Fort Worth, Texas, which was mostly pretty neat. I got a little frustrated because she said some things that I had asked her not to say. But it was a good thanksgiving, and I am thankful for so much. This blog won't fill everything I am thankful for.

But that's not why I decided to blog tonight. Today I took some time to call several of my friends and wish them a happy thanksgiving. It was nice - I got to talk to a lot of people who I hadn't talked to in a long time. But I also realized something. It makes me very very sad.

I'll interject here to say that, I really appreciate the encouraging words of Linny and Drea. It means a lot to me.

In 21 days, I will be graduating. And after I graduate, I will able to celebrate for a time, and that will be a time of joy. But after I graduate I have to live, and I have to move on with my life, and I have to be who I am going to be.

And that means I have to say goodbye to S.

Not goodbye entirely - I guess we can still go out occassionally. But not nearly as often as we go out now. Because his refusal to admit who we are has been hurting me for a long time. So I need to find a guy who has grown up, and is willing to see my future.

That's what I need. I need my future.

I can't imagine my life without s. He is amazing, awesome, just about the best guy I have ever met. I don't know how I will be able to say goodbye to him. But I have to. I have to see who I will be. I have to find my world.

I wish God didn't call us to do things that hurt so much. It hurts just to imagine my life without him. It makes me cry just to imagine my life without him. How am I actually going to let him go?

And I know, I believe, that if he is not the one for me, if we are not "meant to be", that God will bring someone else into my life. Someone who is unimaginably better than s. But I can't see that right now. All I can see right now is that it hurts. It hurts a lot. I don't know how I will go on from here. But I will. I don't know how, but I always do. God is with me.

This afternoon, a song by Rich Mullins played on the radio that really gave me strength. He's not an artist I usually listen to, but I think I might have to go by this CD. This song helps me know that I can go on.

Hold Me Jesus
Rich Mullins

Well, sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

I'm singing hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace