crazy times

It occurred to me, as I was getting ready for bed, that I should blog one more time before school starts. I'm still stressed and going kind of nuts, but I get the feeling that will be my mood for the rest of the semester.

I didn't get a chance to change Miami's cage today, which makes me feel like the worst pet owner in the world. I wish I could have a million more pets but I know my mom won't let me. Plus I can't afford it.

I am seriously considering a job at Walmart. Saturdays only (please Lord!). I would get a 10% discount... which sounds really good to me!

I hope I get to spend more time with Bunnyservant this semester, because I am afraid I will see my other friends less and less. I might not get to go to LSCSS at all - which makes me sad because I won't get to see any of the awesome people there.

I've had a certain guy on my mind a lot lately - Bunnyservant and maybe Princessa know who I'm talking about - and that bugs me to no end. Seems like prayer is almost more of a hindrance than a help. My whole future is up in the air so much right now, it's insane. I mean, I could go the one route where I get married and have kids and pets and stuff, or I could go the other route where I graduate, then I start my master's degree and go on to get my doctorate. Or - what I dream and what seems more likely - I'll have the master's and doctorate, and I'll also get married (sometime) and have pets. Kids... big question mark. I probably won't be able to have them, and if I can I'll be passing on a lousy genetic profile, so if I have any they'll probably be adopted. Except maybe that's not what God has for me - maybe my "kids" will be the students I teach.

And I just wish I didn't even have to think about it. I mean, I'm broke and I have to figure out what in the world I am going to do after I graduate. Priority number one is going to be getting a job that has prescription coverage on their benefits, which may mean that I will have to get a job at some joint like Osco just to get their insurance. Sometime during this semester, I need to get enrolled at a graduate school so I can start my master's degree.

Guys - don't even bring them up. 'Cuz that's another of the big question marks of my future. I don't understand why my friends are who they are, I don't understand why I can't get this guy out of my mind completely, and most importantly, I don't know what I should do. A lightening bolt from heaven would be really nice right now!

It's crazy. I've had these dreams, and I feel like I know what God has planned for me. But then, I'm stuck in this patience trap. I don't know what to do, and then when I do think I know what to do, I don't have the nerve to do it. So I have to settle for just waiting, waiting for him to make a move or waiting for God to lead me to do something. Or, better yet, for another friend to do something that forces us together. But right now, all I can do is wait.

This is ridiculous. I feel like I have a dog chasing its tail inside my head. This is the conversation that goes on inside my head almost all day. I pray for it to go away, I pray for something to happen to spur things along. In the meantime, nothing happens, and I wait, and I wait, and I wait. It's so hard - no one will ever understand how hard it is sometimes. Sometimes I cry at night because I have no control over this whole situation - and if you know me, you know how that makes me feel.

It's late. I've gotta get some sleep - tomorrow's an early day. But maybe tomorrow night I will be able to blog again.