what a day

It's been a crazy day. I woke up and ate breakfast, and afterwards I felt kind of nauseous. Just didn't sit well. My mom told me to call my teacher and tell her I would be a couple of hours late. Instead, my teacher told me to play it safe and stay home. I went back to bed, and I slept hard until about 12:30. When I woke up, I felt as good as new, which made me feel really bad about missing school. My mom told me later, though, that something similar was going around her school, a virus that makes you feel nauseous for a few hours but then you feel fine. That makes me feel better.

I'm giving up on Linda now. Not really giving up - I mean, I will never give up on her. But my life goes on. Without her. Which is sad, since we used to be such good friends. But she's not a part of my life anymore. I have other friends now, other people who mean so much to me.

And, honestly, those friendships have proved to be so much better than my friendship with Linda ever was. Bunnyservant and I have been through so much together, and we've stood by each other through all of our hard times. And S is older, and so much more mature. Princessa, too. They all know what it means to be a friend. I'm not afraid that any of them are going to quit speaking to me.

It's rough, getting back into the routine of school. I won't see my friends nearly as much. Bunnyservant and I are both swamped with school stuff. Plus I have officially started the job hunt - I applied at Walmart today. I can't wait to graduate, hopefully even move into a place of my own, but oh boy, I've got a lot between now and then.

I'm shocked and amazed as I watch the coverage of Hurricane Katrina today. Already they have confirmed 11 dead in Florida, 2 in Alabama, and over 100 in Mississippi, but the Mississippi number is expected to triple, and they haven't even been able to estimate the number killed in Louisiana. Wow. That is far worse than even Hurricane Camille, back in 1969. It is sobering, to say the least. I can't imagine living through that.

crazy cousin, crazy life

*Sigh* I wish I knew what I could say or do for Linda. But it's useless - she won't even talk to me. There's a photo sitting next to my computer from the year we went to camp together. It makes me so sad. She's such a pretty girl, with so much potential... so sad that she is throwing all that away. I wish she knew how much she has disappointed so many people... myself, her parents, her brother, her aunts, uncles, her other cousins...

If she just believed in herself and her own ability to be herself! She doesn't need a boyfriend or a husband or a passal of children to be complete. Yet that's all she wants. She's throwing away everything - her hopes and dreams, her desires, not to mention her virginity, all for this vision, that if she gets married to Mark the cable guy, all her dreams will come true and her life will be complete. The only problem is, she's left God out of it, and her life will be emptier than it ever has been before!

I wish she knew how much she has broken my heart. I love her so much, and it just eats me alive to know she is doing this. I want to be sick when I imagine Mark touching her. Bunnyservant thinks I should write a letter to her, and honestly that doesn't sound like a bad idea to me, but I don't think my mother wants me to contact her in any way. I would do it anyway but I am afraid that it would somehow backfire on me, that word would get around to my family.

Stuff like this is what makes it so hard for me to have friends. I mean, I trusted her like I have trusted no one before, and I thought I knew her so well. I never in a million years thought she would date a wife beater like Mark. This is why I have so many secrets from the world. Bunnyservant knows my secrets, and Princessa knows my secrets, but will I ever be able to tell S or any other member of the male species? Bry and Dennis know, but that's only because I have been friends with them since before I went to the hospital, and because they supported me so much during that time.

I hate the betrayals I've experienced. And though most of the time I don't mind it, sometimes I hate having the problems I have.

Time drags on. Another day, be patient, pray, and wait on God. Not easy.

one more thought

As usual, I am back to considering a Saturday job at Walmart - though perhaps more seriously this time. I'm really really out of money, and I spend about $30 per week to get by - gas and school supplies and stuff. Plus, who knows, I might be buying a baby gift in about nine months (see previous post to understand that one). Maybe I will pick up an application tomorrow. In the meantime, I'd really appreciate your prayers.

deeply saddened

Wow. This has been a really weird day.

Most of you know about my cousin, Linda. For those who don't, or who don't remember, I will update you: Linda is my age, and we have been friends our entire lives. Since we were about five months old, I believe. We look alike and act alike (I wish I could put a photo up here on the computer but I don't have a scanner!). At least we used to act alike. Through high school and college we talked all the time. Every day, usually more than once a day. We were the best of friends. We talked about everything, from the mundane to our hopes, our dreams, and what we wanted in life.

Eighteen months ago, her friends introduced her to a friend of theirs. A guy. They started dating, but he was no good for her. He is not a Christian. After I met him nine months ago, Linda quit speaking to me entirely. I'm afraid that he will begin physically abusing her. He's almost certainly abusing her emotionally right now. If I email her, I can get a two- to three-sentence response. I'm not afraid to use her name here, because, well, I'm not sure why. I guess I just know that she needs prayer.

I found out (today) that she is getting married (tonight). I guess I'm kind of happy, in the sense that, at least they're not just living together anymore. Now she will have legal rights and stuff. But the wedding makes it so... final. Permanent. It will be nothing like the wedding she used to dream of. Not even close. And she's settling for so much less than she deserves. She could have so much more, be so much happier. God has such great plans for her, if she will only accept them! She has no idea how many hearts she has broken because of what she has chosen. Mine, her parents', her aunts, uncles, cousins - least of all God's!

We used to be best friends. We talked about our weddings. We even talked about having a double wedding, and if we couldn't do that, then we were going to be each other's maids of honor! Now she's getting married, to exactly the type of guy she once swore she would never even date, and she hasn't even told me about the wedding. I had to find out about it from my mother, through my aunt. That hurts. A lot.

i feel unemployed

I don't like not having a job. Sometimes I really feel stressed about money, or rather, my lack of it. Meanwhile I am spending money on stuff like, office supplies for my desk at school, or gas for my car, or going out to eat (not too often but probably more often than I should).

School has started, and I'm stressed but calm all at the same time about that. It is so much more work than I thought it would be. No, I take that back. It's not so much that it's more work, it's that the work is more exhausting. I come home from school and I am just totally drained. I still want a weekend Walmart-type job, but I am much less serious about it now. It's not that I don't need the money - it's just that I don't know if I can handle the stress.

Somewhere between all this, I am supposed to get enough sleep, which is maybe the hardest thing so far, write lesson plans, stay on my feet during the day, make sure everything gets copied and ready for my lessons, and teach. Did I mention that I was also trying to lose weight and quit drinking caffeine this semester?

I love my class - I really do. I just see this long semester stretching ahead of me, with no income and gas prices rising higher every day, and I don't know how I am going to do it. Sometimes I barely have the strength to pray or read my Bible. Oh, Lord, I need you, more than ever!

crazy times

It occurred to me, as I was getting ready for bed, that I should blog one more time before school starts. I'm still stressed and going kind of nuts, but I get the feeling that will be my mood for the rest of the semester.

I didn't get a chance to change Miami's cage today, which makes me feel like the worst pet owner in the world. I wish I could have a million more pets but I know my mom won't let me. Plus I can't afford it.

I am seriously considering a job at Walmart. Saturdays only (please Lord!). I would get a 10% discount... which sounds really good to me!

I hope I get to spend more time with Bunnyservant this semester, because I am afraid I will see my other friends less and less. I might not get to go to LSCSS at all - which makes me sad because I won't get to see any of the awesome people there.

I've had a certain guy on my mind a lot lately - Bunnyservant and maybe Princessa know who I'm talking about - and that bugs me to no end. Seems like prayer is almost more of a hindrance than a help. My whole future is up in the air so much right now, it's insane. I mean, I could go the one route where I get married and have kids and pets and stuff, or I could go the other route where I graduate, then I start my master's degree and go on to get my doctorate. Or - what I dream and what seems more likely - I'll have the master's and doctorate, and I'll also get married (sometime) and have pets. Kids... big question mark. I probably won't be able to have them, and if I can I'll be passing on a lousy genetic profile, so if I have any they'll probably be adopted. Except maybe that's not what God has for me - maybe my "kids" will be the students I teach.

And I just wish I didn't even have to think about it. I mean, I'm broke and I have to figure out what in the world I am going to do after I graduate. Priority number one is going to be getting a job that has prescription coverage on their benefits, which may mean that I will have to get a job at some joint like Osco just to get their insurance. Sometime during this semester, I need to get enrolled at a graduate school so I can start my master's degree.

Guys - don't even bring them up. 'Cuz that's another of the big question marks of my future. I don't understand why my friends are who they are, I don't understand why I can't get this guy out of my mind completely, and most importantly, I don't know what I should do. A lightening bolt from heaven would be really nice right now!

It's crazy. I've had these dreams, and I feel like I know what God has planned for me. But then, I'm stuck in this patience trap. I don't know what to do, and then when I do think I know what to do, I don't have the nerve to do it. So I have to settle for just waiting, waiting for him to make a move or waiting for God to lead me to do something. Or, better yet, for another friend to do something that forces us together. But right now, all I can do is wait.

This is ridiculous. I feel like I have a dog chasing its tail inside my head. This is the conversation that goes on inside my head almost all day. I pray for it to go away, I pray for something to happen to spur things along. In the meantime, nothing happens, and I wait, and I wait, and I wait. It's so hard - no one will ever understand how hard it is sometimes. Sometimes I cry at night because I have no control over this whole situation - and if you know me, you know how that makes me feel.

It's late. I've gotta get some sleep - tomorrow's an early day. But maybe tomorrow night I will be able to blog again.

stress stress stress!!!!

Ok, remember how I said, when I was in colorado, that I "couldn't wait to return to my normal life"? WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?!

I met my teacher last Monday. We started working on putting our classroom together. I'm really excited about the school year with her. She seems really really super nice.

However, Fazoli's is just becoming more and more stressful. I got my schedule yesterday and (go figure) they scheduled me for the days I asked off this week. I tried and tried today to get ahold of the general manager, so I could straighten the situation out, but I couldn't. So I called them tonight and told them that, I won't be coming in tomorrow, and I won't be coming in again until I have an opportunity to speak with the general manager. Which, who knows when that will be, because staff meetings start tomorrow morning.

I keep wondering if I can get a job at Walmart or Price Chopper or some place like that, working only weekends. Except, I'm afraid that starting a new job would require a week of training or something like that, possibly during the day. Ahhhhh... life shouldn't be this difficult.

appreciate your prayers

I'm in colorado right now, in the midst of the proceedings for my grandma. Viewing was today, public funeral and private burial will be tomorrow. So far everything seems ok, though it is definitely a bit of a "family overload". I appreciate the family, though, so I'm trying to just roll with the punches as best as I can.

I won't lie - I'm looking forward to getting everything over with and returning to my "normal" life, as normal as normal can be.

Pray for everyone right now. This is all kind of hard on my family, especially my grandfather. And, especially, pray for my grandfather. My grandma was a Christian but my grandfather still is not. Hopefully this experience will be what it takes to lead him to Jesus.