if love were enough...

Daily Sunday night postings about Grey's Anatomy are becoming a tradition! But hey, it's a good show and I really can sympathize with a lot of the emotion that Meredith Grey feels.

Maybe I'm not a surgery intern or anything like that. But sometimes it does seem like my life definitely has its share of dramatic twists and turns, almost like a TV drama.

Tonight, one of Meredith and Dr. Sheperd's patients left a message for her fiance before she died: If love were enough, she would still be there. If love were enough...

If love were enough... if only love were enough...

Meredith said we need the dark, because that's what gives us hope. I think she might be right.

straw wrappers, student teaching conferences, songs about struggles and triumphs, and master's degrees

Ok, so the alliteration fell apart at the end of that post title. Can you think of a way to say "M.ed." that begins with an s?

Where to begin, where to begin... I suppose with the student teaching conference, which was last Monday. Very exciting. I got my cap and gown, and I got some information about applying for jobs. I filled out an application on MoREAP tonight, which I will be able to send to lots of districts, including Blue Springs, Lee's Summit, Independence, Oak Grove, and Grain Valley. Oak Grove and Grain Valley are really the top of my list right now. I think I would really like to start my career in a small district, and those two districts are small but growing.

That Andrew Peterson song, which I included in my last post, has really been a source of strength for me lately. I have been reading and re-reading the story of Abraham and Isaac in my Bible lately, drawing so much strenth from it, from Abraham's faith in God and his trust that everything would be okay in the end.

I am not yet positive, but I think I found the Master's Degree program that I want to pursue. It is through the University of Missouri - Columbia, but it is a Master's of Education degree with a focus on Literacy. The degree is offered entirely (or almost entirely) online. Perfect! Hopefully I will be able to start in January.

I've started tying my straw wrappers again. I used to do that when I was a freshman, or sometimes when I was a sophomore, in college, and when I went to Country Kitchen with my friends. All the girls would tie our straws in a knot, then we'd tug on the ends of the straw wrapper. If it broke and the knot stayed in the straw, then too bad, but if the knot slipped out, then that meant that your crush is likewise attracted to you (or at least is thinking about you). All those months of straw tugging, and ALWAYS had a knot in my straw wrapper. But lately I've been tying and tugging on my straw wrappers again, and every time I've tied, I've had no knot. I'm guessing it's a sign from God! It makes me happy!

faith... why can't I find enough of it?

Wake up little Isaac
And rub your tired eyes
Go and kiss your mama
We’ll be gone a little while
Come and walk beside me
Come and hold your papa’s hand
I go to make an altar
And to offer up my lamb

I waited on the Lord
And in a waking dream He came
Riding on a wind across the sand
He spoke my name
“Here I am”, I whispered
And I waited in the dark
The answer was a sword
That came down hard upon my heart

Chorous:
Holy is the Lord
Holy is the Lord
And the Lord I will obey
Lord, help me I don’t know the way

So take me to the mountain
I will follow where You lead
There I’ll lay the body
Of the boy You gave to me
And even though You take him
Still I ever will obey
But Maker of this mountain, please
Make another way


He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground
Luke 22:41-44

yay! i really will graduate!

I just got back from my mid-term conference at CMSU, where I got my cap, gown, tassel, and name card for graduation.  So I really really really WILL graduate!  It's given me a few blessed stress-free hours.  I'm almost there - now I just have to make it a couple more months!

pick me! choose me! love me!

I know my girlfriends will know what my post title means. I lifted this one out of Gray's Anatomy too.

And I keep thinking about a line of Dr. Bailey's tonight - "You already know what you have to do. If you didn't, it wouldn't hurt so much."

Maybe all the other females out there in cyberspace will know what it means, too.

I'm definitely ready for something to go my way. Dear Lord, it feels like I've been fighting so hard just to keep my head above water. Each day is more challenging that the last. Every day, I question my calling, my life, my purpose in this world.

I ask, why me? why this? why do I feel the way I do? why now? why me, Lord? What is the meaning of it all? I don't see the finish line. I don't see what Your almighty purpose is in this. And sometimes I hurt so badly.

December is my unofficial deadline. By the end of the year, or possibly even before Christmas, I will do something about the way I feel. And I fear I will have to do the one thing I fear most. Oh, how I pray the Lord will give me a way out. That someone else, my someone else, will do for me what needs to be done. How I pray that doing what must be done will not destroy one of the most beautiful things that has ever come into my life.

Maybe Dr. Bailey is right. Maybe I already know what needs done. That must be why it hurts so bad.

why did I become a teacher?

It's not that I ever created this blog to be one giant gripe session. It's just that this semester has felt so overwhelming. Some days, I wonder if I'll make it to the end. Every day, I wonder if I am going to be certified. And most days, I have a huge headache.

My grandpa is in town this weekend. Tons of fun, except I can't spend as much time as I want with him because I have to work on my portfolio, or on my lesson plans, or on getting forms ready for Monday's mid-term conference. I'm terribly behind because the school gave me such a lousy placement and refused to do anything about it. Now I'm paying the price for their mistake.

My mom has been getting on me for griping too much. Like, about how I want a new TV. She won't let me buy one until she decides I've worked hard enough for it. I'm so tired and stressed, every day, and I'm living without a television, and I haven't seen any of my favorite programs in about forever... I have no way to relieve tension. Then my mom gets upset with me if she walks by my room and I'm surfing the internet or reading a book, not cleaning or working on my portfolio or working on lesson plans, which are the only approvable pasttimes in her book. My head is pounding so bad, and all I want to do is watch Seinfeld and go to bed. But I can't do that because I don't have a TV.

What do I have to do to please her enough to let me get a television? I told her that I would pay for it, and that's not enough. My self-esteem and my internal dialogue have both taken a terrible beating this semester, and I am coming home to an environment that is not a whole lot better. I am so stressed, and I'm sure that is one of the reasons I am having such awful headaches. Sometimes my mom makes fun of me, too, and I think that doesn't help much either.

What I really want is to go to bed and forget that school even exists. My whole life is falling apart around me. My schoolwork is going to be turned in late. I made one of my best friends mad at me, and as for my other best friend... I don't even know where that friendship is going. My mom is a firm believer that I am as good as broke, which is basically true, and she gets very upset with me for spending money. So what am I supposed to do, walk to school? And I can't even manage to get a normal week in school, so that I can get on top of all my lesson plans. No, there's always something thrown into the mix. Frankly, I'm sick of it.

Life's not worth this. I'm going to bed. At least I can attempt to forget about school for a few hours.

please forgive me...

I'm writing this post because I'm sure bunnyservant is angry at me. I'm also sure she'll read this blog. I wish so much that she wasn't. It's because of something stupid I said, and it rips me up inside to know that my best friend is mad at me.

Bunnyservant, I am sososososososososo sorry for what I said. It was stupid and insensitive. Please forgive me...

shake your groove thang

I had to (grudgingly) spend my morning away from my class, at this goofy meeting where all the student teachers introduced themselves to all the principals in the district. I'd rather be teaching. Hob-nobbing with the administrators just isn't quite what I consider "fun".

But I had a delightful afternoon with my class, playing math games and grading papers while they teamed up for a math challenge. My kids are so smart.

I'm trying to find "nice" things for one student of mine to do. I think that's really what he needs - just a little guidance in what is appropriate. So I am trying to help by suggesting "nice" things for him to say.

I'm thinking about going to the MU fellowship program next year. It's going to be a lot of work to apply for it. Shoot, the program will be a lot of work! But a dear friend of mine, an administrator at a local school, has said that it is a valuable program, looks good on a resume, and is a good way to get your foot in the door at a particular school district.

I can't believe I'm already looking ahead at my master's degree. I'm not even done with my BSE yet! Wow... how time flies...

de-nile... it's not just a river in egypt anymore, it's a freakin' ocean

I could have titled this post "denial=survival". Or, "SOMEBODY SEDATE ME!!!!!!"

The title of this post (de-nile) and "somebody sedate me" are lines from tonight's episode of Grey's Anatomy. The episode felt strangely parallel to my life.

I am so tired of fighting. But fight I shall. I have somehow earned this reputation that I don't deserve. Things were said about me at my old school that were not true, and now I seriously wonder if I am going to pass, much less get certified. My new teacher is great, but these old rumors are, in some ways, following me to my new school. What's worse, they could destroy my future career.

Tomorrow I am supposed to go to a reception that I don't really want to go to. I have to introduce myself to every principal in the district. I don't want to do that. I want to stay at my school and teach. I want to be with my students, my kiddos, doing the one thing I love most. I want to teach, I want to be a teacher. Why is this so hard for me?

zzzzzzzzzz........

This was another fabulous day. I can't say it enough - I love my new placement. Everything about it is great.

I'm exhausted, though, because we had a PTA program tonight where my students performed. So I've been going full throttle since 7 am this morning - long day.

Our funny story of the day... Earlier this week, one of the 5th graders at my school was working on a project for school and had a tube of superglue on her bed. She later got out her guinea pig and let the critter play on her bed (with the superglue still out). Being a guinea pig, the guinea pig bit into the tube of superglue and glued his lips together. But, she said, it was okay because "he only glued one side of his mouth shut... he can still eat and drink out of the other side of his mouth!" And two days later, his mouth popped open again. Moral of this story: Don't leave tubes of superglue within reach of your pets, and I think this includes bunnies, hamsters, dogs, cats, and just about any other pet you can think of.

Bunnyservant, my doctor put me on 50 mg trazodone, which I know is just about the smallest dose you can get. I think my biggest problem so far, though, has been hitting the window of time when the medicine makes you sleepy. I don't think the advice that my doctor gave me is exactly right - tonight I am taking it just before I go to bed, not an hour before. I'll try that for a couple nights, and if that doesn't work, then I might double the dose or something. We'll see.

That's the news from the world of me. Whoever you are, drop me a line. It'd be nice to hear from someone besides the spammers.

addendum

Forgot to mention...

In 10 years, doggonit, I better have a dog! A hamster for my classroom, probably, but a dog at home!

After another fun but exhausting, caffeine-dependant day, I have added Starbucks to my list of links. The world's greatest coffeeshop that I can never afford! So sad that I have to settle for cheap, caffeine-free steamed milk beverages.

I hate being an insomniac. I'm on a new sleeping pill, but it's not doing much for me. Last night was not a good night. I hate those bad nights. What's the point of going to bed if you hardly sleep all night?

I'm certain that my poor sleep has a lot to do with my poor stamina. I love my kids and I love teaching, but I come home every day exhausted. How can I be a teacher if I have to keep myself going on caffeine all day? I know that it's bad for me. I'm trying so hard to quit the Diet Coke, because I know that it's worse than coffee. But I'm still not totally in love with coffee, either.

For once I would just like to go to sleep and wake up feeling rested. It's been years since I felt like that.

I think I'm just ready to graduate. I mean, I love my placement and everything about it, but jumping through these hoops, waking up early every morning, going to bed early every night, never sleeping... I'm ready to be able to sleep in for a solid week.

And you know... after I graduate maybe I will buy myself a vacation and do just that. I might need it, to figure out what God wants me to do with my life. It would be so nice to go to Club Med for a week and just be totally pampered.

Who am I kidding... I probably can't afford it. Oh well. It's worth a dream.

10 years

In ten years...

I pray I am married to a man who loves me for who I am. With all my faults and all my deficits. A man who loves me because of my imperfections.

I pray my husband supports my dream of going to China to welcome the daughter I imagine myself with, since I probably won't be able to bear children myself.

If I am not married, I pray God will allow me to go to China anyway for my little girl. On a teacher's salary (ha). Lord willing.

I pray that my past only whispers and never shouts.

I pray that I can come as close as is humanely possible to forgetting what I've done to pierce the hands of the Savior I love so dearly.

Since I know I will never be able to entirely forget what I have done, I pray that God will give me a way to atone for my sins. I know he has forgiven me by offering himself as a sacrifice, and I know that nothing I could ever do could take away the pain of pure hands and feet, pierced for me, or the sorrow I have brought upon my Lord. But I pray, in spite of what I have done to him, he will give me a new path to forward his kingdom.

I pray that God allows me to teach my child through homeschooling or, if that is impossible, through a private school education. I pray that I will never have to enroll my child in a public school, to hear what I heard and to feel what I felt.

My child will not have my genes, but she will be raised in the same culture that I was raised, with anorexic models and disproportioned Barbies. I pray that she will not fall victim to the "1 in 4 women in America" statistic - I pray that she will never, ever have to battle mental illness. I pray that she will never even have to fear it.

And Lord~ I dare to pray that I will have the boldness to dare.

I want to go farther, live boldly, swing higher, and laugh loudly. Lord, make it so.

*yawn*

It's been a great day... long day... but great. My new teacher is soooooooooo fantastic. I love her class. I'm a little bit on "sensory overload", just because I got so much information, all in one day, but oh, I loved every minute of it.

I'm tired, though. I have to learn the names of 23 new students, and quickly, because next week I will have 2 more classes of students whose names I will need to learn. It's exhausting just thinking about it.

I also have to get up at the crack of dawn for a doctor's appointment in the morning (why did I schedule it so early?). You'll be seeing me on the road by 6:30 am... or, knowing me, 6:45 a.m. I'm almost always late in the morning. It's a talent.

In the meantime, I think I'm gonna write one more email and hit the sack. I've gotta get more energy if I'm gonna be conscious in the morning. I'm looking forward to tomorrow, though. I have such an awesome teacher now.

my blogthings.com experiments in learning html

You're a Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romanceYou love to kiss under the stars or by the seaThe perfect kiss involves the perfect moodIt's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

HA!!! I totally faked my way through this quiz! I've never been kissed!

Your Hawaiian Name is:

Kamea Kaili

What's" your Hawaiian Name?

Fascinating...

Weak and wounded sinner,
Lost and left to die,
O, raise your head for Love is passing by,

Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus and live,

Now your burden's lifted,
And carried far away,
And precious blood has washed away the stain... so

Sing to Jesus ,
Sing to Jesus ,
Sing to Jesus and live,

And like a newborn baby,
Don't be afraid to crawl,
And remember when you walk sometimes we fall... so

Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus and live,

Sometimes the way is lonely,
And steep and filled with pain,
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain... then

Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus and live,

O, and when the love spills over,
And music fills the night,
And when you can't contain your joy inside... then

Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus and live,

And with your final heartbeat,
Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side... and

Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live,

Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live.

what does it mean....?

What does it mean when just being with a certain guy makes you feel better about yourself?

What does it mean when thinking about that guy gives you butterflies inside?

What does it mean when, no matter how hard I try, I can't get him out of my head?

What does it mean when I long for him to sit on the same side of the booth as me?

What does it mean when talking about him makes me smile?

What does it mean to know a person so well, I feel like I can tell him anything?

What does it mean when I dream about his hands brushing against mine?

What does it mean when I feel like we can do more together than we can do as individuals?

What does it mean when I want to give him as much as he has given me?

What does it mean to be in love?

What does it mean, Jesus? What does it mean?

blessings and thorns

Huge blessings! I got a new placement! New teacher, new school, new everything, which is probably what I need at this point. And I heard from a friend today that she knows this teacher and she said good things about her.

My thorn, though, is that I got a speeding ticket last night. Guess my lead foot finally caught up with me. People don't realize how hard some habits are to break.

prayers needed

Student teaching has not been going well. Most of you know that. So I can always use prayers for that - I have to survive this somehow.

But I desperately need prayers tonight for my placement. My university supervisor placed a request for me to get a new placement, and from here it is really out of my hands. Cover me, Lord!

details

Ok. Details. Brief details, because I'm just waiting for my mom to get back from the dollar store.

My student teaching placement has turned bad. BAD. Real bad. I'm in this huge personality clash with my supervising teacher. I can't even say exactly what's going on for fear that someone will find this blog and connect it to me, and that will cause problems.

But to sum it up, I'm getting no support from the school. And I'm scared. I've worked so hard for so long to achieve this dream, this calling of becoming a teacher, and now it looks like I might not make it. I just wanna be a teacher. And I'm so discouraged - so discouraged, you can't even imagine it. I'm terrified that my depression will come back, that I won't make it through the semester in one piece. I don't want to quit, but I'm beginning to wonder if I have any other options.

And I'm even questioning my calling. Maybe God didn't call me to be a teacher. I don't know where I'm going from here. I mean, this is such a weird age... making decisions about career and marriage and life. Maybe God has something different for me. I don't know. I really and truly don't know. But it is becoming so so difficult for me to get up every morning and go to school.

The unrelated part about dinner with s last night - there's not much to say there. Except that he is an awesome friend, and that it felt so good to go out to eat with him and talk about anything and everything and most of the time it wasn't student teaching.

Music has been so important to me lately. The songs below - "Held" by Natalie Grant, and "Smile" by Chris Rice, among others - are some of the songs that seem to be going through my head constantly nowadays. It gives me so much hope. Hope makes so real to me - that there is an end, that I will survive. Oh, it's just the beginning of October. It's going to be such a long semester.

I can use your prayers. And - this is prideful, i guess, but I've worked so hard - if you would pray that I could still get a grade that is good enough to graduate magna cum laude, or even cum laude, I'd appreciate it. I stand a chance, it's numerically possible, I just have to get a good enough grade (I think an A or B). I've worked so hard.

day of despair, night of secrets and discovery

I hate my placement. And honestly, it's making me hate teaching. It's late so that's all I can say for now, but I promise to elaborate later.

It's been a long, awful day, but the night became so much better when Steve called and invited me out to dinner. Details later.

I can't stay awake long enough to write any more so I am just going to fill this in with the lyrics to one of my favorite songs. It's called "Held" by Natalie Grant.

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held